It’s 3:30 in the morning. Actually it was 3:30 in the morning. Now it’s 4:30. I’ve been lying in bed (laying? in bed- I can never keep those straight… I’m not a chicken, so I’m going with lying) with my thoughts going in circles for an hour now.
I’ve mentioned before that when I can’t sleep my husband suggests I clear my mind and visualize a white room, and I’ve mentioned that I stink at doing that. So, my thoughts just spiral on. This morning as I’m in bed (lying or laying), here are the thoughts keeping me from the white room.
A few days ago my son, Spencer (who I will now refer to as I see others do when they write about their kids, by only his first initial- it feels so Dostoevskyan)… Anyway, S asked me if life got more complicated as an adult or less complicated. He said “it just feels like it’s so complicated.” That really bothered me; I don’t want my child who is still in elementary school to feel his life is complicated. I want to help him create a simple life.
Although my response to him was that things change due to transitions in responsibility blah blah blah and a lot of other stuff we talked about involving the dog (you’ll see…), my first thought when he said it was actually three thoughts at once. I first thought, 1. I need to protect him from whatever makes an 11 year old feel his life is complicated, 2. We need to change something, 3. We bring “complicated” on ourselves.
As we were talking I was watching the dog make multiple little circles and shuffle around to different spots on my son’s bed and then making more little turns before finally laying (lying? ughhh) down back pretty much where he started. All the dog needed to do was curl up where he was, but instead he had added in a 45 second process that complicated the whole thing. I told S that I think we do that. I think we add in a lot of unnecessary circles and pacing. Our lives get filled with clutter that really doesn’t matter.
This year I’ve been very intentionally simplifying by getting rid of one item a day. That’s been good for getting rid of physical stuff around my house. Thinking about it now, though, I believe we need to do more decluttering. We need to continue organizing and clearing out in our house, but more importantly in our focus. I want us to be intentional in our lives. I don’t want us to get to the end of our day and feel like we just used it up. Starting today, we’re going to begin talking about what that means and making a plan to focus and simplify. I’ll let you know where our circling and pacing leaves us curled up.
So, that was part of what was whirling in my thoughts. Next…
As I was thinking about “complicated,” I was praying for my son and my family and me. It’s okay, God knows me and that my prayers are more like the dog’s circles with a lot of random stuff stuck in and lots of coming back to the same place. He knows what parts are directed at Him and which parts are just me all over the place. So, as I was thinking about making stuff less complicated, I started really trying to push it all back to the basics. What really matters? What can not be eliminated on the path to a simpler life? Can we get to that and then start building from there?
I think that spot is our faith. Easter is coming and that always increases my awareness of how little we have God in our day to day life. We believe in Jesus. We believe in God. We go to church. We say grace at meals. I pray with the boys before bedtime. Those are all good things, but is that all there is to it? Are we really doing all we should? Do people know God because of us? Do we know God the way we should? It’s a big deal. There’s a song that talks about how you might be right that God is just a fairytale, etc. etc. (I stink at song lyrics), but “what if you’re wrong?” These are things I think about.
What all should I pack to take with us to S’s Math Counts competition this weekend? I know, not nearly as philosophical, but still a thought sucker at 3:30 in the morning. I got my cool new Epiphanie camera bag, so I’m definitely taking my camera. Plus, I’m hugely behind in my 365 photo project and this will be a good chance to take some pictures. I’m also finally starting on my Churchmouse Linen Scarf, so I will be taking that project. It’s supposed to be almost 70 degrees one of the places we’ll be going along the way, so I need to wear something for being warm (yay!!!) and then it’s supposed to be rainy, so I need to grab an umbrella and clothes for that. Plus, we need to stop by the school and get the fancy pants calculator S is supposed to take. There’s more, but I can’t imagine you need to know it all.
And more thoughts…
I’m hungry (remember, I’ve been awake for an hour). I really want to get up and start my coffee (very favorite part of my day). And, lots of random swirling thoughts that don’t make a paragraph. You can thank me now for not going ahead and writing them down anyway.
There you have it. All that and more is what was in my head from 3:30-4:00 (from 4:00-4:30 I just kept thinking those same things and trying to decide whether to get up or not).
So, oh husband of mine, how the heck do I go from all that to a white room?